Monday, October 4, 2010

Ready for Change

        What four dollars can do to my head space.  I went shopping with my case manager George like I do every week and I had twenty four dollars left in change just enough to by three packs of cigarettes and have four dollars left in change. That was on Wednesday. By Thursday I was spinning out of control. All I could think of was buying blades.  I kept thinking of the bus I was going to take. What store I was going to go to. What isle the blades where in. What register I was going to buy them at and how much I was going to spend. I am a sociopath when it comes to cutting.  It was driving me crazy so I called George. He said bring the money into his office. I said what are you crazy it is only four bucks. He asked "How many packages of blades is it."
        "Okay I get the point ,but I still am not bringing the money in." I had made my mind up.
         "All right but I don't want to here from you from the unit" George said non jokingly.
         "I am all right." I reassured him.
         Well any way I kept the money. At least all morning.By afternoon it bugged me enough to take the money to George. I really don't want to buy blades. I really want to stop this shit. When I was in the hospital last week they printed out all of the hospital stays that I have had since 1998. I have over 75 hospitals stays and I didn't count the ER visits.
          My whole identy is wrapped around cutting it is sick. I have to create a knew me. For starts I am a writer and a painter. A sister and a friend. I volunteer and play games. I am compassionate and sincere.  I am passionate and love life.  I want to change. It is hard when I am bombarded with thoughts of harming myself. I know I have to battle it with positive thoughts. A positive thought and a negative thought can not exists in the same place.  Positive out ways the negative. I don't have to see my self as a cutter. I am in the process of change. Letting go of the old me. Allowing the new me to blossom.  I don't know what to expect, but everyday I don't cut I grow.  Some days are a real struggle. I am getting ready to quit smoking too. Well see how that goes. I have faith that I can do both. I have a strong support network. I also believe my higher power is with me. So,I guess I feel I am ready for change.