Monday, September 27, 2010

Life's Drama of a Slasher

       Well I couldn't make it another week.  I feel like a failure. I went to True Value and bought a blade. The cashier was some old guy that made a comment of something like "You going to add this blade to your collection?"  I wanted to say you fucking smart ass but I just hung my head in shame and quickly walked out of the store before I saw anyone I new.  It was a bad day.  I didn't go to class.  Instead I went home and cut  my arms and nicked my throat and then called my case manager. I told him I cut and couldn't throw away the blade. He called the cops. They were at my door within fifteen minutes. They wanted me to go to the hospital with them, but I wouldn't go.  They had me call George my case manager and George said I didn't have to go if I gave up the blade. So I laid the blade on the coffee table and the cop picked up with his rubber gloves and held on to it like I had a disease. George asked me if I was going to be safe. I couldn't answer.  Something in me wanted to be up on the unit.  I didn't feel safe in my own skin. I told George this and he said then get a ride from the cops to the hospital.
        At the hospital it seemed like for ever before the clinician got there to talk to me. It was Lee I really don't care for him, but at least this time he listened to me.  He got me on the unit, which was a big mistake on my part. It was about 9pm when I got upstairs on the third floor.  I was ready for bed. I was in room 8 which was right across from the nurses station. The mhu aid Josie got me two blankets and then Holly the nurse came in and talked to me about what was going on. I told her about my day. She asked if I was suicidal and I said if I realy thought about it I could think my way into it.  I have been on the unit a lot like 70 time since 1998. I bang my head when I am on the unit. Holly told me that the Doctor said if I banged my head at all I would be exparted. Fine I went to bed, but Holly first brought me my meds.  She tried to give me Cymbalta and Respirdal instead of my regular meds  she said that's what the doctor ordered.  I was irate.
        Morning came and the nurse tried to give me the same meds and not my diabetic meds. When I met with the phsychiatrist I told her that I didn't want her to change my meds. Antidepressant like Cymbalta make me manic and Respirdal makes me gain weight. Leave my meds alone. She asked me what she can do for me.  I told her I just needed a save place to gather my thoughts.We left it at that. Except later on she wanted me to think of the patterns of why I come into the hospital. I decided that I needed to go home. I had to much to do to sit in the hospital. I asked Mike the nurse if I could go home he said no problem I'll go to bat for you. So before I new it the Doc was talking to me in the hall. She said "I just finished your admissions and you want to go home."
         "Are you suicidal" the doc asks.
         "No" I reply
         "And you don't feel like buying blades or cutting"
         "Not at all"
         "Then your ready to go"she say's with authority.
         "Thanks"  I smile.
          After lunch the Mhu aid brings my belongings. We went through  them and I signed off on the sheet. Before long I left not even saying goodbye. I was escorted out of the hospital by  one of the Mhu aids that I have known for many years. I went to get on the bus. It was  a total waist of two days.

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