I am mentally ill not stupid. I would question that statement after the scare that I put my family and friends through a couple of weeks a go. I was doing really well at managing symptoms. In fact I wasn't having any urges at all. I was focused on school and my new love of volunteering at the humane society. Then one Wednesday night after school I was really depressed and was struggling with cutting urges. Thursday I went and bought a blade, cut and went to the emergency room. The clinician just talked to me and sent me home. Friday I got worse. I had thoughts of suicide. I called the crisis line around 9:30PM told him what was going on and we made a contract for safety and that I would take my meds and go to bed. I still didn't feel safe, so I called the on call clinician, she said the same thing and said "call her in the morning." So I took my bed time meds and went to bed and woke up at 7:30AM Saturday. I really don't know what motivated me to do what I did next, except that I was tired of having urges and didn't care if I lived or died. I went into the bathroom were my meds are kept and counted out 10 2mg Adivan and 5 2mg Lunesta and then down the hatch. I then went and called the clinician like I was supposed. It was Brad. I said "Hi Brad this Kathi I took 10 Adivan and 5 Lunesta you might want to call 911" and hung up. At least that is what I think I said. Because I don't remember anything until I woke up at 8AM on Sunday. I was in ICU with a one on one nurse.
I was then transferred to the mental health unit.were I was treated by Dr Palmer. She is a okay Doc. I tried to explain to her I just wanted my head to shut up. She tried to explain to me that I am borderline. I only stayed Monday they let me out Tuesday. One thing that really bothered me though was they took me off one of my medications with out talking to me and wouldn't give me a reason. Luckily I had an appointment with my own Doc on Wednesday when I got out. I got back on it.
Today I deal with the shame and guilt of going through this. What I put my family and friends through. I still have these thoughts and urges. My therapist says to call bullshit on them they are just thoughts. But I tell you they feel so real and overwhelming. I have to continue looking at the things that I am grateful for. Keep making goals that are obtainable. Keep my heart light and full of laughter. I feel like I have a terminal illness. I don't. They are just thoughts I don't have to entertain them. I can choose which thoughts play with. It just takes a lot of work, but nothing great comes easy. I know in my heart I want to live.