November1 I haven't been admitted to the hospital in three weeks, nor have I gone to the emergency room. I did call the crisis line one night because I was having urges, but I talked to Patrick and worked through them. Usually this time of year I am in the hospital. I think that I have been so busy with school and volunteering that I haven't had the idle time when the urges can take over and become overwhelming. I have been managing school really well. I do it in little chunks. I make a list out on Monday evening of everything that I have to do and split it up over the week. I make sure I finish at 8:30PM. No more 3AM marathons. After 8:30PM I go play chess with my friend Robert who lives in the apartment complex. I am getting better at playing. In fact I actually can get him in check. We have a lot of fun.
Having fun I am finding out is very important in managing my urges. I can't just do school. My volunteer work at the humane society is a great outlet. It is really stress-less. There is no commitment on day or time. I just call up the day before and say I am going to be there at 11AM. The bus gets me there at 10:50AM. I always play with the cats. It is up to me how long I want to stay. Sometimes I stay for fifteen minutes, but there has been time when time has flew by and I stayed for a full hour. I have a blast, especially with the kittens. They are full of energy. They love feathers. Attack and roll. Then they crawl up my pant leg and purr in my ear. There is usually six to attend to. This is how I met Launa the kitten I have now. I wanted a male kitten, but she is doing well at home.
Launa is my stress release at home. She is very playful. She gets into everything. Except she minds herp's andq's around the garbage which I am grateful for. Yesterday I heard her crying. I couldn't find her any where in the apartment. I didn't realize she was outside in the hallway until I heard her scratching at the door. That little booger. She must of gone outside when i was doing laundry. She was sure happy when I opened the door. Pretty smart kitten to know where home was. I gave her lots of lovin.
I am still not smoking. It has been three weeks. A lot has changed. I don't stink. I have money in my pocket. I am breathing a lot better and I am starting to see myself as a nonsmoker. If I can only start seeing myself as someone who doesn't self harm. I will be making progress. I guess if I was to ask myself "Do I want to cut today?" I would say "no." So maybe there is hope.